I was excited to watch "The Square" film, as everyone. I was very proud of the great documentary that tells the story of Egypt for the last 3 years.
Then, I watched the full version of the documentary.. I can't express how I felt while watching the film, it was very painful.
Although the documentary didn't show every event and every massacre that happened throughout the last 3 years, but the flashbacks attacked me. I remembered my situation in every event, I remembered how I reacted, how I cried, how I shouted, and even how I wrote a status on facebook defending my point of view.. And suddenly I started to recognize how much I've changed.. in the square, I grew older, wiser, and actually.. colder.
I remembered how I used to cry after every bloody day. I remembered how I acted "very strong" in my very first time to attend a bloody massacre and how I broke down as soon as I entered my room. I remembered how the pain squeezed my heart in every funeral of a martyr. And then I realized that I've totally changed, I-kind of - "got used" to the blood, I accepted the fact that my life isn't similar to the normal life of a teenage girl. There's two types of me; the one who tries hardly to fit in with her friends and do all the things she used to do before the revolution invaded her life, although deep down she knows she has lost the "teenager" inside of her when she started to get used to the blood or to death. The other one is the mature, wise one, the one who lives a life of an old woman, and whose mind is always memorizing the names of all The martyrs and their stories, the names of all the detainees and their stories, the dates of every event in the revolution.. her mind has no place for any other thing, that's why she finds it hard to fit in with her friends' daily lives, talks, or even jokes. She finds herself talking about the oppression we're facing and telling the story of a martyr, while they're talking about the outing they went to and who was wearing what..
When I think of the girl I was 4 years ago, it shocks me how a totally different person I am now. What I went through in the last 3 years, what I saw, what I lived, and what I felt, is hard to be expressed or described.
What I know for sure is that I'm a different person now, I might be a colder person, but I know that at least I have a dream, at least I'm fighting for freedom. But.. this world is a dark place.. this world is not a place for dreaming.. Now, I'm not sure if my children are going to live in the country I always dreamed of. I know that someday my dream will come true, someday. But for now, I'll keep on fighting. And I'll keep on memorizing the names of the martyrs, Glory to them.
The Square changed me, changed my life, and changed my perspective of life.